How to detect bullshit

Everyone lies: it’s just a question of how, when and why. From the relationship saving “yes, you do look thin in those pants” to the improbable “your table will be ready in 5 minutes”, manipulating the truth is part of the human condition. Accept it now.

I’m positive that given our irrational nature and difficultly accepting tough truths, we’re collectively better off with some of our deceptions. They buffer us from each other (and from ourselves), avoid unnecessary conflicts, and keep the wonderful confusion of our psychologies tucked away from those who don’t care. White lies are the spackle of civilization, tucked into the dirty corners and crevices our necessary, but pretentiously inflexible idealisms create. Small lies prop up and support our powerful truths, holding together the insanely half honest, half false chaos that spins the world.

But lies, serious lies, should not be encouraged as they destroy trust, the binding force in all relationships. One particularly troublesome kind of lie is known as Bullshit (BS). These are unnecessary deceptions, committed in the gray area between polite white lies and complete malicious fabrications. BS is usually defined as inventions made in ignorance of the facts, where the primary goal is to protect oneself. The aim of BS isn’t to harm another person, although that often happens collaterally. For a variety of reasons BS can be hard to detect, which is why I’m offering this missive as a crash B.S. in BS detection. But be warned: to keep you on your toes there are several bits of BS tucked inside this essay which you will have to find for yourself.

Why people BS: a primer

The first lie in the Western canon comes from the same joyful tome as the first murders, wars and plagues: the Old Testament. Despite my distaste for trips into religious texts, this one has supreme tragicomic value.

To recap from the book of Genesis, God tells Adam and Eve not to eat fruit from the tree of knowledge, as pretty as it is, for they’ll die. He wanders off to do some unexplained godlike things, as gods are prone to do, leaving the very tempting, and non pit-bull or electrified fence protected, tree out for all to see. Meanwhile Satan slinks by and convinces Eve apples are good: so she and Adam have an apple snack. God instantly returns, scolds Adam, who blames Eve; resulting in everyone, snakes, people and all, getting thrown out of Eden forever.

Please note that in this tale nearly everyone lied. God lied[1], or was deceptively ambiguous, about the apples (they weren’t fatal), Satan misrepresents the apple’s power, and Adam, approximates a lie in his wimpy finger pointing to Eve. It’s a litany of deception and a cautionary tale: in any book that makes everyone look bad in just a few pages, is it really a surprise how the rest plays out?

People lie for three reasons; the first is to protect themselves. They may wish to protect something they want or need, a concept they cherish, or to prevent something they fear, like confrontation. There is often a clear psychological need motivating every lie.

A well known fib, “the dog ate my homework”, fits the BS model. In the desperate fear driven attempt not to be caught, children’s imaginations conceive amazing improbabilities. Fires, plagues, revolutions, curses, illnesses and absurd reinventions of the laws of physics and space-time have all been summoned by children around the world on the fateful mornings when they find themselves at school, sans-homework. It’s an emotional experience, this need to BS: as logically speaking, the stress of inventing and maintaining a lie is rarely easier than accepting the consequences of the truth.

Which leads to the second reason people lie: sometimes it works. It’s a gamble, but when it works, wow. Did you lie to your parents about girls, boys, fireworks, drugs, grades, or where you were till 2am on a school night? I sure did and still do. My parents still think I’m a famous painter / doctor / professor in London (shhh), and my best friend still believes his high school girlfriend and I didn’t get it on every time I borrowed his car[2]. Even my ever faithful dog Butch used to lie, in his way, by liberating trash from a house-worth of garbage cans, then hiding in his bed, hoping his lack of proximity to the Jackson Pollock of refuse that was formerly my kitchen would be indistinguishable from innocence.

Which gives us the third reason people lie, a truth saints and sinners have known for ages: we want to be seen as better than we see ourselves. Sadly, comically, we also believe we’re alone in both having this temptation, as well as the shame it brings with it (e.g. “We’re not alone in feeling alone“). The secret truth is everyone has moments of weakness: times when fear and greed melt our brains and we’re tempted to say the lies we wish were true. And for that reason the deepest honesty is found in people willing to admit to their lies, or their barely resisted temptations, and own the consequences. Not the pretense of the saints, who pretend, incomprehensibly, inhumanly, to never even have those urges at all.

Ok, enough philosophy: lets get to detection.

BS detection

The first rule of BS is to expect it. Fire detectors are designed to expect a fire at any moment: they’re not optimists. They fixate on the possibility of fires and that’s why they save lives. If you want to detect BS you have to swallow some cynicism, and add some internal doubt to everything you hear. Socrates, the father of western wisdom, based his philosophy around the recognition, and expectation, of ignorance. It’s far more dangerous to assume people know what they’re talking about, than it is to assume they don’t and let them prove you wrong. Be like Socrates: assume people are unaware of their own ignorance (including yourself) and politely, warmly, probe to sort out the difference.

The first detection tool is a question: How do you know what you know?

Throw this phrase down when someone force feeds you an idea, an argument, a reference to a study or over-confidently suggests a course of action. People so rarely have their claims challenged, that asking someone to explain how they know sheds light on whatever ignorance they’re hiding. It instantly diminishes the force of a BS driven opinion. It works well in response to the following examples:

• “The project will take 5 weeks“. How do you know this? What might go wrong that you haven’t accounted for? Would you bet $10k on this claim? $100k?
• “Our design is groundbreaking.” Really? What ground is that? And who, besides the designers/investors, has this opinion?
• “Studies show that liars’ pants are flame resistant..” What studies? Who ran them and why? Did you actually read the study or a two sentence press clipping (poorly) explaining the results? Are there any studies that claim the opposite?

When you ask a flavor of “how do you know what you know?” often they can’t answer quickly. Even credible thinkers need time to sort through their logic, separating assumptions from facts: an an exercise that works in everyone’s favor.

Of course it’s fine to hear: “This is purely my opinion” or “It’s a guess, as we have no data”, but those are far weaker claims that most people, especially if they’re making stuff up, typically make. Identifying someone’s opinion as speculation, rather than fact, disarms the threat of most kinds of BS.

The second tool is also a question: What is the counter argument?
Anyone who has seriously considered something will have seen enough facts
to fit their current argument as well as alternative position: ask for them. It’s a grade school assignment, intended to show there are many reasonable ways to interpret the same set of facts. However, someone who is bullshitting you won’t have researched or thought through anything: they’re making things up. Asking for the counter argument will force them to either back up their position, or to end the discussion until they’ve done due diligence. (If they claim there is no counter argument, end the discussion. They are not only BS’ing you, they think you’re a moron).

Similarly useful questions include: Who besides you shares this opinion? What are your biggest concerns, and what will you do to address them? What would need to change for you to have a different (opposite) opinion?

Time & Pressure

A good thought holds together. Its solid conceptual mass maintains its shape no matter how much you poke, probe, test and examine. But BS is all surface. Like a magician’s bouquet of flowers, it’s pretty as it flashes past your eyes, but its absence of integrity become obvious when you hold it in your hands. Anyone creating BS knows this, and will tend towards urgency. They’ll resist reviews, breaks, consultations or the suggestion of sleeping on decisions before they’re made.

Use time & pressure, the third tool of BS detection, in your favor: never allow big decisions to be mismanaged to the point where they must be made urgently. Ask to withhold judgment for a day, and watch the response. Invite people with expertise you need but don’t have to participate in decisions to add intellectual and domain pressure (Hiring them if necessary. The $500 you pay a lawyer, accountant or consultant to review something effectively becomes a well spent BS insurance fee).

Be a leader in creating an environment unpleasant for BS. If everyone knows the gauntlet of friendly, but rigorous, intellectual curiosity claims must run through, BS will be discouraged while still in the minds of the tempted.

Confidence in reduction

Especially in business and technology, jargon and obfuscation hide huge quantities of BS. Inflated language is a technique of intimidation. The bet is that if you don’t understand what they’re talking about, you’ll feel stupid, or distracted, and give in to the appearance of their superior knowledge. This is, of course, entirely bullshit. To withstand BS you have to have an inner core of self-reliance, holding on to your doubts longer than the BS’er holds onto their charade.

For example:
Our dynamic flow capacity matrix has unprecedented downtime resistance protocols.

If you don’t understand what the hell this means, err on your own side. Don’t assume you’re missing something: assume they are. They’re either hiding something, communicating poorly, or don’t themselves understand what they’re talking about. BS deflating responses include:

• I refuse to accept this proposal until I, or someone I trust, fully understands it.
• Explain this in simpler terms I can understand (repeat if necessary).
• Break this into pieces you can verify, prove, compare, or demonstrate for me.
• Are you trying to say “our network server has a backup power supply?” If so, can you speak plainly next time?

Assignment of trust

The fourth tool of BS detection (derived from the rule of expecting BS) is careful assignment of your trust. Never agree to more than your trust allows. Who cares how confident they are: the question is how confident are you in them? It’s rare that there isn’t
time for trust to be earned. Divide requests, projects or commitments into pieces. It’s not offensive to refuse to take someone’s word if they have no history of living up to it before (especially if they’re trying to sell you something).

And trust can be delegated. I don’t need to trust you, if you’ve earned the trust of people I trust. Anyone skilled in the BS arts has obtained that skill through practice, diminishing the odds that many BS-proof people have been successfully deceived by them in the past. Nothing defuses BS faster than a collective of people that help each other detect and eliminate BS. If a team of people witnesses the complete evisceration of someone’s BS few will attempt it again: they’ll know your world is a BS free zone. Great teams and families help each other detect bullshit, both in others and themselves, as sometimes the real BS we need to fear
is our own.

Footnotes

[1] One popular interpretation of Genesis 2:17 is that God meant “you will be mortal” when he said “you will surely die”, so its not a lie – this is in line with the many who believe in the omnibenevolence of god or the perfect nature of the bible. While I question these positions, they are popular views and deserves mention. Also note: the phrase, “or was deceptively ambiguous”, was added 9/25/2006.

[2] This is of course, complete bullshit. I have never lied to anyone ever.

References

• On Bullshit by Harry G. Frankfurt is a popular book on the subject. It’s a short read, barely 70 pages, but is sadly toned more like a philosophy textbook than the entertaining romp it could have been.
• Why we lie – Short essay summarizing some basic research into the psychology of lies (LiveScience).
• Web economy and Dilbert’s mission statement generators – If the output of these seem all too familiar, run.
• Why smart people defend bad ideas – The older, twisted sister to this essay.
• Bullshit entry at wikipedia.

Photo credits:Bullfighting arena, Razorback’s Ozarks, Tricorder, Bulls for sale.

How to Detect Lies

Become a Lie Detector

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.

Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.

Signs of Deception:

Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.

• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.

• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says “I love it!” when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn’t do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid “lying” by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you… they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.

Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.

• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.

Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.

Further Reading:

Eye Movement and Lying
How to tell if someone is lying based
on the movements of their eyes.

Body Language and Flirting
Learn how men and women use
non-verbal communication in courtship.

Identify a Lie with 6 Simple Questions

We all fall victim to at least a few lies during the course of our lifetime.  Some lies may be extremely troublesome to our personal wellbeing, while other “white lies” may be far more innocuous.  Either way, a lie is meant to deceive.  So how can we avoid falling victim to a lie in the future?  I believe you can identify a lie or a liar by asking a person 6 simple questions:

A lie can travel halfway around the world
while the truth is putting on its shoes.

- Mark Twain

1. How do you know this? – This is the very first question you should ask someone when they tell you something that you are unsure of.  It immediately uncovers the source of the information and should give insight into whether the bulk of it is based on scientific fact or educated opinion.  Although it seems like a very simple question, it is one of the most demanding questions you could ask someone.  It informs them that you are not a pushover and forces them to backup their claims.
2. What are the major concerns or risks? – Anybody who has performed the proper research on a topic for which they claim to be an expert should also be able to explain their major concerns in vivid detail.  No plan is perfect.  There will always be some level of concern or risk.  If the person claims there is zero risk and no concerns, they are lying to you.
3. Why do you think others might have an opposing view? – There are always a few different ways to interpret a specific set of data.  No matter what side of the argument a person is on, you can be sure that at least one other person has an opposing view.  Once again, if someone has done the proper research they should have a pretty good idea of what creates this opposing view.  Thus, they shouldn’t have any problem explaining it, even if their explanation is merely an educated hypothesis.
4. Can you please explain this in layman’s terms? – A person might use complex terminology in order to sneak a lie past your better judgment.  The idea is that their complex terminology will throw you off, and instead of questioning the information, you move on to prevent yourself from looking naive.  Never look past something you don’t understand.  Get the facts straight.  Make them explain themselves 20 times if necessary until you understand what they are saying.  Until you understand the information, presume that they are wrong even if they sound smart.
5. Do you mind if I sleep on it? – A lie, no matter how complex, is always paper thin from a certain angle.  If you have enough time to analyze the information and look at it from every angle you will eventually see the truth.  When someone lies and looks for you to buy into the information they usually want you to agree on the spot.  They already know that their story won’t check out if you have enough time to analyze it.  If someone is unwilling to let you sleep on the information in order to properly digest it, they are probably lying.  Truth will still be truth in the morning, so there is no reason to rush things unless it isn’t the truth.
6. How confident am I in this person? – This is a simple question that you have to ask yourself.  You should try to determine if this person has any credible references.  Sort out the reasons why you should believe them and why you should not believe them.  Do you personally know anyone who has dealt with this person before?  Think about it mindfully, what does your gut instinct tell you?

How to Be Photogenic

Do you dislike having your picture taken because you always seem to come out looking hideous? Felt jealous of your friend who always come out flawless in photos? What’s the deal with pictures? While being photogenic just comes naturally to some people, there are a few things that anyone can do to look better in photos. Try out the tricks in this article and stop running for cover whenever the camera comes out.

<!–

function google_ad_request_done(google_ads) {
var s = ”;
var i;

if (google_ads.length == 0) { return; }

if (google_ads.length == 1) {
s += ‘<td><a href=”‘ + google_ads[0].url + ‘” style=”text-decoration:none”>’ +
‘<span style=”text-decoration:underline;color:#006398;font-size:1.2em”>’ + google_ads[0].line1 + ‘</span><br />’ +
‘<span style=”color:#000000;font-size:.8em;”>’ + google_ads[0].line2 + ‘ ‘ + google_ads[0].line3 + ‘</span><br />’ +
‘<span style=”color:#008000;font-size:.8em;”>’ + google_ads[0].visible_url + ‘</span></a></td>’;

} else if (google_ads.length > 1) {

for(i = 0; i < google_ads.length; ++i) {

if (i == 0) {
s += ‘<td><a href=”‘ + google_ads[i].url + ‘” style=”text-decoration:none”>’ +
‘<span style=”text-decoration:underline;color:#006398;font-size:1.2em;”>’ + google_ads[i].line1 + ‘</span><br />’ +
‘<span style=”color:#000000;font-size:.8em;”>’ + google_ads[i].line2 + ‘ ‘ + google_ads[i].line3 + ‘</span><br />’ +
‘<span style=”color:#006398;font-size:.8em;”>’ + google_ads[i].visible_url + ‘</span></a></td>’;

} else if (i > 0) {
s += ‘<td><a href=”‘ + google_ads[i].url + ‘” style=”text-decoration:none”>’ +
‘<span style=”text-decoration:underline;color:#006398;font-size:1.2em;”>’ + google_ads[i].line1 + ‘</span><br />’ +
‘<span style=”color:#000000;font-size:.8em;”>’ + google_ads[i].line2 + ‘ ‘ + google_ads[i].line3 + ‘</span><br />’ +
‘<span style=”color:#006398;font-size:.8em;”>’ + google_ads[i].visible_url + ‘</span></a></td>’;
}
}

}

s = “<table><tr valign=\”top\”>” + s + “</tr></table>” +
“<div style=\”text-align:right;\”><a href=\”" + google_info.feedback_url + “\” style=\”color:000000\”><img width=\”78\” height=\”16\” border=\”0\” src=\”http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/abglogo/abg-en-100c-000000.png\” alt=\”Ads by Google\” /></a></div>”;

document.write(s);
return;
}

google_ad_client = “pub-9543332082073187″;
google_ad_output = ‘js’;
google_ad_type = ‘text’;
google_ad_width = 468;
google_ad_height = 60;
google_ad_format = “468×60_as”;
google_feedback = ‘on’;
google_max_num_ads = ‘3′;
//embedded_ads
if (show_embed_ads)
google_ad_channel = ‘5613791162+’ + xchannels;
else
google_ad_channel = ”;

//–>

<!—
var e = document.getElementById(‘embed_ads’);
var r = document.referrer;

if (e && show_embed_ads) {
e.setAttribute(’style’, ‘display: inline; clear: both; height: 80px; width:500px;’);
}

//—>

[edit] Steps

1. Wear clothes with colors that suit you. Certain colors complement certain skin tones, while others tend to bring out the worst. Also take into consideration your hair color. You may have a feel for which colors you look best in, but if not, do some research (check out the external links below) and some trial-and-error.
2. Pick the right clothes. As in, don’t overdo it. Wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans might make you appear to blend, which is not good. Try not to wear too much pattern either, or it will take attention away from your gorgeous face.
3. Hide your blemishes. The bad thing about photographs is that because they are simply frozen images of one angle in an instant in time, they can’t show all your good attributes. The good thing about them is that you can easily hide certain features you don’t like.
4. Determine your best angle. Beyond the obvious hiding of blemishes, finding the right angle for your face can be a bit more difficult. The best thing you can do is experiment using a digital camera so that you can immediately see the results of each pose. It will very quickly become obvious which angles are most flattering for you, and you can then use that angle as much as possible in the future. The classic model’s pose is to arrange your body 3/4 toward the camera with one foot in front of the other and one shoulder closer to the camera than the other. This isn’t the best pose for everybody, however, and it can look a little ridiculous when used in a family photo right next to your Uncle Wilber.
5. Get rid of a double chin. Tilt your head down slightly and try to position yourself so that the camera is a little above your eye level. This will hide a double chin fairly effectively. You can also put one hand under your chin as though you’re resting your head on your hand (keep the thumb side of your hand out of the camera’s view, if possible). Don’t actually rest any weight on the hand, however, or you will push the skin into an unflattering position. Also try resting your tongue against the roof of your mouth.
6. Stick your neck out. One trick models often use is to present a 3/4 pose to the camera (turn your head so that 3/4 of your face is exposed to the camera, as opposed to a full frontal shot) and then lift your neck and slightly tilt your head down, as though you are a turkey sticking its head out (without actually thrusting your chin out). This improves facial definition and helps ameliorate wrinkles and flabby skin.
7. Relax. Many people end up looking odd in photos because they freeze into odd facial expressions with a “say cheese” type of smile on their face. If you’re used to having bad pictures taken of yourself, you probably get nervous in front of the camera, and this can make things even worse. If you know a picture is about to be taken, take a deep breath and exhale naturally, relaxing your arms and shoulders. As you exhale, smile or strike whatever pose is appropriate. Don’t hold your breath, either in or out, otherwise you’ll appear as though you’re tense or suffocating. If you see the photo coming too late, don’t panic and try to strike a pose. Keep doing what you’re doing and try to ignore the camera. It may not turn out perfectly, but you’ve got a better chance than if the camera catches you quickly trying to change your facial expression. The more comfortable and relaxed you appear, the better the photo will turn out.
8. Think happy thoughts. An unnatural, forced smile can make you look stiff and, frankly, weird. When people are smiling and waiting for a photo to be snapped, their facial muscles can get caught in all sorts of strange positions. To remedy this, try to time your smile so that you don’t have to hold it for too long. Also, imagine something really funny (don’t be afraid to laugh a bit, even) or think of someone—your spouse or child, for example—who makes you happy. By doing so, you’ll get a genuine smile. If you don’t like your smile or your teeth, try a more subdued, closed- or partially-closed-mouth smile. Regardless of how you choose to smile, the happier and more relaxed you are, the better.
9. Smile with your eyes. Nothing projects happiness and beauty like smiling eyes: a happy, somewhat mischievous expression of the eyes. To achieve this effect, imagine that the camera is a person you have a crush on walking into the room. This will create wider open eyes and a relaxed smile. Chances are you unconsciously do this all the time; the trick is to be able to bring it out on demand, so practice the smiling eyes in front of a mirror.
10. Maintain your posture. Listen to your mother — remember how she always told you not to slouch? Good posture can dramatically improve your appearance in pictures. Sitting or standing up straight will make you look healthier and more alert and, if in a group setting, more attractive than your slouching companions. Just remember to breathe normally and relax your shoulders. Especially if you usually have bad posture, it may be difficult to stand up straight and not look stiff, so practice this in the mirror.
11. Get a better photographer. Professional photographers generally know how to bring out the beauty in people. You can’t always choose your photographer, but sometimes you can. If you’re going to put up a shot for an online dating service, consider enlisting a professional. If you need headshots for modeling, get the best professional you can find.
12. Edit or enhance photos. If you’ve tried everything, but you still can’t seem to get a good picture of yourself in any environment, try slightly altering your digital photos. Changing the lighting effects or filter effects, for example, can dramatically improve the appearance of your complexion.
13. Fake it till you make it. People are often photogenic because they like having their picture taken. They are therefore relaxed and happy when the camera appears. If you cannot muster up genuine love of the camera, pretend you like the camera. Imagine the camera is someone you love, a long lost friend, an old flame, your child at age three, or whatever you need to look at the camera lovingly. Try it—it really does work.
14. Keep the shine down. It is so important to keep the shine down in the ever-troublesome t-zone – the top of your nose and your forehead. Especially on a warm day but even the coolest among us may get a little sweaty when faced with the lens of a camera.
15. Relax your lip(mouth) region and don’t have any delirious thoughts filled with gloom. It’s a natural way to appear fresh and appealing in photo graphs.
16. Keep your face in equilibrium Look at your face in the mirror. That’s NOT actually the face which comes in your photograph. Now stare at your own reflection. After some time your face will reach the ‘normal’ condition. That will be your ‘equilibrium’ face. Now deactivate your eye region and activate your lip region. Don’t clench your teeth, just make sure that your upper and lower jaw molars touch each other. Always smile if your complexion is dark or dull and your smile should be a slight one. At the same time stress the corners of your eyes and raise your eye brows a little. Practice this exercise every day before mirror for a few minutes. In one month it will become a habit whenever someone tries to take a photograph of you. But don’t forget the most fundamental things for a good photograph and those are good cheer and confidence.

[edit] Tips

• If you can get hold of the photo before it hits the internet, try to Photoshop (not too much, it looks like you’re a poser) or get a friend (a trusted friend) to do it for you.
• Study pictures of models and other photogenic people. When comfortable for your personality, experiment with mimicking their postures, but remember most model photos are not what family members or friends are looking for in a picture. Stand at a slight angle to the camera.
• When in a seated group shot, be sure the chairs are placed as close together as possible. Instead of leaning in, sit up straight and relax.
• Have your close friends look at the pictures you’ve taken to help you ascertain when you look your best. Sometimes, a critical second set of eyes is a great help.
• Consider that people with highly animated faces stand a better chance of getting captured during a transient grotesque expression. Frame-by-frame video is a great way to see significant differences between the photogenic and the not-so-photogenic.
• Practice smiling in front of the mirror. In no time you’ll know which smile looks fake and which is the most flattering. Learning how your face moves will help when someone grabs for the camera. Smile using your top row of teeth, it may feel unnatural but a smile with both rows of teeth can easily look fake.
• Keep your tongue behind your teeth.
• Use makeup. Those runway models and movie stars don’t necessarily all have perfect complexions, but they do all wear make-up so that they look unblemished. Especially if you have oily skin, a spotty complexion or a lot of wrinkles, experiment with different cosmetics to hide the “bad” and accentuate the “good”.
• Always look slightly above the camera when the picture is taken. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis always used this technique for photographs and portraits. Additionally, it helps reduce the “red eye” effect.
• If it is a full-length shot, position your body 45 degrees from the camera, then turn your head towards the lens. Stand with one foot crossed in front of the other and put all your weight on your back leg. This pose is very slimming and universally flattering.
• While being photographed, try to keep all body parts as close to your torso and face as possible, anything protruding directly at the camera will seem huge in the photo. ** Exception: Women often hold their arms just a couple inches away from their body b/c holding them too close often exacerbates the look of flabby upper arms.
• Three seconds before the shutter clicks, have your head down, and then slowly bring it up. No jerking head, though that may work. Smile while bringing your head up. When the picture is taken, your mouth should be in a full swing relaxed smile. This way, your face is fully relaxed. Relax your eyes for the photo and feel relaxed. This may not work for all, so experiment when finding your photo taking style.

[edit] Warnings

• Make sure your photos look like you. These steps can help you better capture your natural beauty in pictures, but if you end up doctoring your photos too much you’re liable to look like someone you’re not. While you want to put your best face forward for online dating sites or acting headshots, you also want to make sure you accurately represent yourself. If you don’t, dates and potential employers may feel deceived.
• Sucking in your stomach will make you appear unattractive because your ribs may poke through your shirt. Worse, it will make you look slightly uncomfortable, which is never appealing.
• Tilting your head down slightly can sometimes create the effect of a double-chin, rather than hiding one.

How to Smile for the Camera

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Digital camera to view progress
• Friend to snap shots

Step1

Face the camera. Rotate your body slightly while keeping your head straight toward the lens. Position one food behind and slightly diagonal to the front foot. Stand up straight and keep your arms relaxed and at your sides. This length and rotation shapes a nice silhouette for a woman. Men may want to face the camera head on with their whole body when being photographed.

Step2

Make eye contact with the lens. Try to project some intensity, and focus on one spot so as not to look dazed. Too much intensity, however, will communicate a stiff demeanor.

Step3

Begin by smiling as naturally as possible, but make the following facial adjustments to shape the lower part of your face. Flex the muscles below the lips slightly to widen your smile and tighten your otherwise slack chin. Smile through your cheekbones, but widen the eyes simultaneously so that you avoid squinting.

Step4

Lengthen your neck and stick out your chin slightly. Imagine there is a “C” running from your chin and jaw line down through the hollow at the base of your neck. This image will keep you from haphazardly loosening your chi, which creates the dreaded double-chin effect.

Step5

Think of something pleasant or enjoyable when you smile for the camera. When the camera clicks, you want to appear earnestly happy.

$(‘.Article .Steps .Image’).each(function(i,e){
e = $(e);

e.find(‘img’).error(function(){
$(this).unbind();
e.remove();
});
});

Tips & Warnings

• Relax your body and facial muscles in between shots so that the next time you smile for the camera, you’ll seem charmingly spontaneous rather than fake.
• If you’re having trouble smiling naturally, laugh slightly so give your smile an organic look.
• Practice in front of the mirror to know exactly how to angle your face or how much teeth you should show. Camera smiles are different for everyone. Check out some past pictures to see what stance and degree of smile becomes you the most.

How to Negotiate like an Indian — 7 Rules

Guess who won?

Indians have founded more engineering and technology companies in the U.S. during the past decade than immigrants from Britain, China, Taiwan and Japan combined (Source: Where The Engineers Are, Vivek Wadhwa, 2007).

Incredible.

The entrepreneurial abilities of Indians in general has amazed me for years. It seems that Indian culture produces an uncommon blend of innovative thinking, business-minded aggression, and comfort with numbers. But there is another ingredient…

Two weeks ago, I saw a screening of the film 2 Million Minutes, a new comparative documentary that examines education in the US, China, and India. The filmmaker, Bob Compton, also wrote a book titled Blogging Through India, which I thumbed through before the movie.

Lo and behold, it contained this great little description on one of the greatest skills Indians bring to the table:

Negotiation.

###

In India, every transaction — EVERY transaction — is negotiated. Merchandise, cab fare, restaurant bills, wedding doweries — the list is endless.

As our guide Vishnu explained, “In India, we bargain to the level of the individual vegetable purchase.”

While awkward and uncomfortable to most Americans, that level of negotiating can be quite valuable.

Hotmail founder Sabeer Bhatia, a CA transplant from Bangalore, credited the bargaining skills he learned in vegetable markets at home for getting Microsoft to push its acquisition price for his company from $160 million to $400 million. Bill Gates’ eye teeth were floating in tea with that deal.

Here are a few rules for bargaining on the buy-side when in India…

Rule #1 – The true price of any item is what you pay — There are no suggested retail prices in India. Nothing is labeled, so it pays to talk with several vendors before making a significant purchase.

Rule # 2 – Try for 70% off — Don’t accept less than 30%

Rule # 3 – Make them show lots of merchandise — If it is a rug merchant, you want the demo guys sweating profusely before you make your first offer. Get the vendor to “invest” in the transaction — emotion, time and energy.

Rule # 4 – Offer on one item at a time – If you plan to buy a couple things DON’T let on at the outset. Act like you intend to buy only one item, if that much. Get the seller to give you prices on each item; play one item off another to show you are looking for the lower price point.

Rule # 5 – Wait for the pad of paper — Every Indian sales person has a pad of paper and a pencil that they pull out when the bargaining gets a bit more serious. Though they write down the price for an item, this is only the starting point – remember rule #2.

Rule # 6 – Say “TOO HIGH”, a lot – Don’t even start negotiating until the salesman has scratched through the initial price and lowered it at least twice. I found that simply staring in silence at the pad of paper for a long time would result in the vendor cutting the price.

Rule # 7 – Imply a bundled purchase — OK, now that the price has been cut 25-30%, ask the salesman what deal he would give you if you buy two items. Expect 5% off. Ask for three items; get another 5%. Then add a very expensive 4th item — one which you do not intend to buy. This will excite the vendor and he will do a bunch of calculations which you will be unable to follow. The price will come down for the expensive item as well as for the other items you intend to buy. Lock those prices and drop the expensive item.

At this point, you should have been able to shave close to 50% off the initial price. Most Americans generally are satisfied at this point and close the deal.

One final point – no matter what price you pay — if the sales guy is smiling when you leave — guess who won…

101 Inexpensive Dates That Aren’t Cheap

Planning an effective date is both an art and a science. It is a science because successful planning requires both an understanding of your partner and an understanding of where you are in your relationship. It is an art because it must be creative and at times innovative. Moreover, a successful date must be planned but it also must allow for spontaneity.

While it is not always easy to plan the perfect date activity, it is possible to plan dates that do not require you to break the bank and still not seem cheap. Here are 101 “cheap date” ideas for you to consider. As you read through them, pay heed to the following advice:

Not all dates are appropriate for a first date: In particular, it is generally not a good idea to invite your potential significant other to your home for an intimate dinner on day 1. Especially if you are a guy, your potential date will feel intimidated if you are trying to get her back to your nest so quickly. Stick with public places.

Any date that will bring you into contact with your partner’s family or friends should be avoided until you know that he or she really likes you: You do not want to have your partner’s mind changed by a family member or friend who questions why anyone would want to date you. You cannot avoid roommates so just be cordial with them and avoid topics of conversation that can turn them against you.

Get to know your date’s likes and dislikes as quickly as possible: If you are dating a woman who hates sports, don’t take her to a football game. If you are dating a guy who is a vegetarian, don’t take him to a steakhouse.

Athletic Dates

1) Go to the gym together: If your partner belongs to your gym, you can both go to the gym and spot for each other in the weight room (if that is possible given your relative strengths) or you can take classes together. Men should not be afraid to try a yoga or pilates class. Women should not be reluctant to go into the weight room. If you do not belong to the same gym, your gym will probably give you a free guest pass so that you can bring your date along for free.

2) Go to a high school sporting event together: If your date has a sibling or niece or nephew playing a high school sport, take your date to see a high school game. You will look supportive of her family and score points with her. You should never do this if your date is under about 25 years of age because it is generally not a great idea to take him/her back to see his/her high school friends and potentially rekindle an old high school relationship.

3) Go hiking: Chances are, you live a short drive from an area where you can hike. You can pack a lunch and wander in the woods. If you really want to be impressive, you can study up on the local birds and try to point out the birds as you spot them.

4) Go cycling: If you both own a bike, a cycling trip is great fun and great exercise. Make sure you plan a round trip route that is well within your partner’s endurance levels and check the weather before you go.

5) Go to the beach: Although this may not be truly athletic, there are plenty of sports that can be played on the beach (Frisbee anyone?) and, for the non-athletic, there are plenty of rays to be absorbed. Make sure you pack plenty of drinks and sunscreen and be sure to bring towels for two.

6) Go to a driving range: Even if you or your date has never hit a golf ball, a driving range is a great place to get to know someone and how they deal with both embarrassment and stress. If you are not a golfer, let your partner teach you. If you are a golfer, you can teach your partner. If neither of you are golfers, please stand far, far away from the other people at the driving range.

7) Go for a run: If you and your partner are both runners, you can plan a running route that both of you can handle. If you are both serious runners, consider entering a 5K race, but make sure you run with your partner, at least for the first race that you enter together.

8 ) Play a game of HORSE: Chances are good that you have access to a basketball hoop at your gym or at a nearby recreation center. You may have a hoop in your driveway if you own a home. Every kid on the schoolyard knows how to play HORSE and it is usually a pleasant way to spend an afternoon. Have plenty of iced tea at the court and start shooting.

9) Go for a walk: Just about everyone can take a walk. You can be anywhere at any time. Just put on your walking shoes and get going. You can make the walk more special by driving to a pretty location or an interesting small town.

10) Go ice skating: Make sure the pond is thick enough or go to a municipal rink and have fun gliding across the ice. If your partner needs help learning how to skate and you are proficient, that is all the better. Of course, you will need to have skates already for this to be a “cheap” date. (Many rinks also have inexpensive skate rentals.)

11) Go cross-country skiing: If you have the skis, this is a great way to spend an afternoon. Find a golf course that is covered with snow and burn off the calories. Then proceed to date 57 (hot chocolate by the fire).

12) Go swimming: Whether it is in a pool or in a lake, a river or an ocean, you can get refreshed and cool off together on a hot summer day.

13) Go fishing: If your partner likes to fish, and you have rods and tackle, all you need to do is dig for some worms and you will have a fun morning, afternoon or evening.

14) Go to an NFL football training camp: Training camps are free. If you live near one and your date is a football fan, you can get a few autographs and enjoy the pre-season.

15) Play tennis: There are free outdoor courts at many schools and they are available on the weekend. Many communities also have free courts. This also lends itself to double dating.

Intellectual Dates

16) Go to a lecture: Many college departments have regular lectures for the benefit of their student body. Often they are open to the public. When I was in college I attended many lectures and enjoyed them a great deal. If your date likes politics or history or art or film or any other liberal art, chances are good that there is a college near you that can offer a lecture that your date will want to attend.

17) Go to a classical music performance: Many museums and colleges offer free music. You will not get to see Coldplay for free but you can very often find classical or jazz performances that are either free or very inexpensive. If you live near a town with a bandstand in its park, chances are good that you can also go to free outdoor concerts and pack a picnic lunch.

18) Go to see a local band: Local bands perform in bars and similarly small venues. Unless you live in NYC or LA, the cover charge is likely to be minimal. You can hear them before they are household names.

19) Take a class together: Your local library or community center probably offers a lot of classes which you can take for free. If your date mentions a burning desire to learn to use PhotoShop, check to determine whether these venues offer any classes.

20) Teach your date how to do something: If you feel that you do not need to take a class in order to learn how to do something that you date wants to learn, consider teaching your date how to do it.

21) Go to an art gallery: It does not cost anything to browse. If you live in a city, chances are good that there are art galleries that you can wander for an afternoon. Even if you cannot afford to buy the art, you can still enjoy it and discuss it.

22) Go to a museum: Most museums allow visitors to come in for free for at least a few hours each week. Even if they do not have such policies (usually tied to federal grant funding, as I understand it), many museums are very inexpensive. My wife and I regularly go to the Morse Museum in Winter Park, Florida. On Fridays in the winter, admission is free after 4pm and they usually have a musical performance as well. It is a great value and I am sure you can find other values that are just as great.

23) Go to a historic cemetery: This may not be for everyone, but if you live in one of the thirteen original colonies, you will find a lot of history in your cemeteries. I used to wander among the headstones at the Granary Burial Ground in Boston and marvel at the names I read. (Disclaimer: My wife is not a fan of the cemetery date, but I am still convinced it is a good idea)

24) Tour a historic house: Historic houses usually do not cost much to visit and very often a docent will give you a guided tour. I used to work at the Peabody-Essex Museum in Salem, MA and they have some of the best historic houses I know. We visited Dwight David Eisenhower’s child hood home last month in the middle of Kansas. Wherever you live, there is probably a historic property nearby and open to the public.

25) Go to a night of storytelling: Coffeehouses and parks (as well as other similar venues)often offer very inexpensive or free nights of storytelling for adults. Before we had TV and radio, we had storytellers.

26) Read to your date: If your date enjoys both the sound of your voice and a good book, you can entertain your date by reading a chapter or two. I have a book of poetry that has been read aloud many a night.

27) Watch a political debate on TV or in person: As long as you know that you and your date are not completely different in your political views, and as long as your date has political views, you can share a lot by debating the merits of a political debate.

28) Go to a community play: Local talent can be very good and the price is always much better than you would expect. You are also supporting local arts, and that is always good.

29) Write a short story together: This is not for everyone, but my wife and I both like to write so this was a natural for us. We were actually writing together even before we started dating.

Spiritual Dates

30) Go to church together: Even if you go to a different church or follow a different faith, all paths lead to the same place. Share the experience and learn a bit more about your partner.

31) Share in a charitable activity: If your partner volunteers with a specific charity, offer to join your partner on a date to help at the charity. You may enjoy the experience and want to do it again. Even if you do not, your partner will appreciate that you tried.

32) Visit the grave of someone your partner has lost: If your partner is grieving the loss of a loved one or just remembering a friend who died too young, you can suggest a visit to the grave site to leave flowers and to reflect. Not all dates have to be romantic. By being sensitive to your partner’s sadness and sharing in it, you will come closer. Of course, you should not refer to this as a date, but it is still an activity that you can do together.

33) Go to an adult ministry class at your church: If your partner participates in bible study, you can too.

Productive Dates

34) Plan a day of spring cleaning: Tell your date that you will arrive at 9am on a Saturday morning and that you will bring muffins or bagels. He or she can provide the coffee and the two of you can take care of whatever spring cleaning needs to be done. Your partner will appreciate it and you will have a sense of accomplishment when you are done.

35) Plan a day of yard work: If your partner owns a house with a yard, plan a day of helping with the yard work. Garden beds can be weeded. Fertilizers can be spread. Things can be planted. You will get some exercise and your partner will appreciate the help.

36) Plan a day of errands: If your partner has lamented that he or she has to return things to the mall, get his or her car tuned up and do any of a host of other possible errands, suggest a day together of getting all of those chores accomplished. It will get you out and about and give you lots of opportunities to talk. Your partner will appreciate the help and you will really get to know one another.

37) Go food shopping and then make dinner together: You have to eat and cooking together is both fun and cost-efficient.

38) Wash your partner’s car together: Car washing alone is a chore. Car washing together is fun, or it can be, if you bring the right attitude.

39) Paint a room together: If your partner has a room that needs a coat of paint, plan a Saturday afternoon of painting. Every time your partner walks into the room, he or she will think of you.

Window Shopping

40) Go to a shopping mall and browse: You don’t always have to buy when shop. Wandering a mall can be fun and if you find a bargain, you can always scoop it up.

41) Go to a bookstore: My wife and I love going to bookstores, especially used bookstores that have a café built into them. We can spend a long time wandering together as we look at books and magazines or sip our coffees and watch people.

42) Go to a record store: Do they still have record stores? I guess I should call them CD stores, but the idea is the same. I love used CD stores and if your partner likes music, you can find a lot of common ground by looking through the stacks of CDs. iTunes has its place, but it is not nearly as fun when you are with someone.

43) Go to a vintage clothing store: If your date likes clothing and prefers to create unique looks for himself or herself, look for a vintage clothing store or thrift shop that you can visit.

44) Go to a flea market: If your partner is a collector, you never know what bargains you might find.

Pet Related Dates

45) Take your date (and his or her dog) to a dog park: If your date has a dog or just likes dogs, you can go to a dog park and have fun with the dogs.

46) Walk your dogs together: Even if you do not have a dog park, walking your dogs together can be great fun.

47) Feed the ducks: Every pond I have ever seen that was not frozen has had ducks on it. Gather up some slightly stale bread and take your date to feed the ducks. If you do not have ducks, any bird will do — just remember that unless you are really city dwellers, pigeons just are not nearly as romantic as ducks or swans.

48) Feed the seagulls: Just like the ducks only louder and more likely to drop good luck on you. My wife and I never actually went on a seagull date, but we did take our children to a small beach to do this once. It was great fun. We had the beach to ourselves and our kids really enjoyed it.

49) Go to a petting zoo: There are a lot of cool animals at petting zoos and many of them are inexpensive to feed. Who can resist lambs and ponies?

50) Go to a local zoo: Local zoos are often very inexpensive and, as long as they are well maintained and treat their animals well, can be a very enjoyable outing.

Food and Drink Dates

51) Go to Starbucks: I know. Starbucks can be expensive. That said, I believe Starbucks now offers a bottomless cup of coffee if you are drinking on the premises. If your Starbucks does not offer a bottomless cup of coffee, I am sure there is a place near you that does (my favorite place is Milton’s in Lawrence, Kansas). You can sit and chat and sip and watch. After all, a date should give you a chance to get to know each other better and sitting and sipping is a great way to do it.

52) Go to a winery: Wineries usually offer free admission and tours and you can sample the product of the winery after the tour. We have toured wineries in Virginia and Florida and we have really enjoyed all of them.

53) Go to a working farm: If you live near a working farm with a farm stand, you can have great fun wandering through the farm stand and seeing the animals. My wife and I used to go to a farm somewhere on Cape Ann, in Massachusetts and we still fondly remember the apple donuts and hay rides.

54) Go apple picking: You can have great fun picking apples and then eating them. If you pick them yourself, you really get to choose the apples you want, and then you can go home and bake a pie together. Don’t forget to buy some ice-cream on the way home, unless you are going to make it yourself.

55) Go strawberry picking: This is just like apple picking only you are picking strawberries so you will not need to climb any ladders. I could cheat and fill out this list by picking every other kind berry a separate item, but I think you get the picture.

56) Bake bread together: Early in the courtship of my wife, I told her that I like to bake bread. She thought that was the coolest thing and to do this day, we still like to bake bread together (In fact, earlier today we baked a Mediterranean loaf which was full of rosemary, olives and walnuts. A local grocer would sell it for $4 but we made it, and had fun doing so, for about 50 cents).

57) Make hot chocolate and sit by a roaring fire together: This one only works if you live in a cold climate. There are few things more romantic that hot chocolate by a roaring fire.

58) Make pizza together: Pizza at a restaurant costs about $20 per pie (at least where I live and the way I order it). We make the same pizza at home by buying dough at a bakery and then rolling it out and topping it on our own. Our pizzas cost about $4 to make and we have a great time making them. We have been doing this since long before we married.

59) Go for ice-cream: Ice-cream does not cost a lot and it can be a destination date, without question.

60) Go to a cheese store and sample the cheeses: This would be a date that my partner could plan for me. I love cheese. Finding a gourmet cheese shop where I could try a lot of different cheeses would be heaven. Most cities have them. I love to sample the cheeses and then buy a quarter of a pound of the cheese that I liked most. My wife and I can then buy some grapes and sit in a park and enjoy our cheese and grapes.

61) Make your date a leisurely breakfast: There is something very decadent about a lazy Saturday or Sunday morning and being served breakfast while reading the paper. Whatever your partner wants for breakfast, if you provide it and then clean up afterwards, it will be a great way to start the day. Make sure that you get fresh ingredients and try to make everything from scratch. You do not need to serve an expensive meal – just a well prepared meal.

Outdoor Activities

62) Go camping: If your partner likes the outdoors and you know each other well enough, camping can be a great way to spend a night. You can sit by a camp fire and toast marshmallows and enjoy whatever beverage of choice you both prefer.

63) Go to the beach at night: The beach is a great place to go at night. Listening to the surf is about as peaceful as it gets. Bring blankets and an ice chest with your favorite foods and drinks and then get a roaring camp fire burning. Romantic, yes. Expensive, no.

64) Go to a church fair: Churches often have fairs each year as a fund raiser. Our church has a fair every October and we enjoy wandering the booths, chatting with neighbors and going on a few rides. It never costs a lot and the money we do spend goes to a good cause.

65) Go to a county or state fair: Before we married, we used to go to the Topsfield Fair and the Big E in Massachusetts. Admission at the time was not very much and we could wander for more than an evening looking at the animals and all of the exhibits.

66) Go miniature golfing: You can do this for under $20 per couple and often for less than $10 per couple (always check for coupons before going). It is much cheaper than bowling, which used to be cheaper than miniature golf when I was courting (not that my wife liked to bowl).

67) Go to a park: You can sit in a park – I used to like the Boston Public Garden and now we go to the Leu Gardens in Orlando – and just enjoy nature and people and relaxation.

68) Create a scavenger hunt: This requires some work in advance but if you map out a walking route in your town and give your partner clues, you can have some fun wandering the streets with him or her as he/she tries to solve the clues you have provided and finds the items on the hunt.

69) Go to a cultural festival: When large numbers of an expatriate community move to the same city, they inevitably have an annual cultural festival to celebrate their culture. My friend Fred just sent me some great photos of the West Indian cultural festival in Brooklyn. There was food and music and a lot to see.

70) Make a scarecrow: If you have some old clothes that can no longer serve any good purpose, and you have access to fallen Autumn leaves, you can make a scarecrow for your yard to get into the Fall spirit.

71) Make a snowman: If you have access to snow, you can make a snowman. Just be prepared to get hit with a few snowballs, too.

72) Go sledding: I still have my sled from childhood, but you can borrow one from someone if you need to do so. Sledding always takes me back to my early childhood and it is always a great memory for me. If your date has fond memories sledding as a child, sledding is a great way to start to share in those childhood memories with your partner.

Holiday Dates

73) Carve a jack-o-lantern: Take your date to a pumpkin patch and choose the perfect pumpkin. Now go back to her place or your place and carve Jack the Pumpkin King!

74) Have a Christmas card party: If you both send out Christmas cards, you can plan an afternoon of Christmas card writing together.

75) Bake holiday cookies: Baking cookies is fun. Baking holiday cookies is really fun. A cookie that looks like a pumpkin or Santa somehow tastes better and by baking cookies together, you create lasting holiday memories.

76) Plan an afternoon of Christmas movies: Whether you like It’s a Wonderful Life or The Year without a Santa Clause or The Nativity Story, sharing the movies that you watch year after year is a special way to grow together. You can usually find these movies on TV or at the library so you do not have to spend much.

77) Plan a night of horror films: If Halloween is just around the corner, go to the library and check out The Exorcist, Friday the Thirteenth and Halloween. Then sit close together on the sofa and don’t let your date know that you are closing your eyes at the really scary parts.

78) Hand out Halloween candy together: You don’t want to be alone on Halloween. Your date does not want to be alone. Yet you are both too old to really want to go out. Go over to your partner’s home and sit by the front door handing out candy together. If you really want to make it special, pick up some cider and sip hot mulled cider while you do it (spiking optional).

79) Color Easter Eggs: You do not have to be a kid to enjoy coloring Easter eggs. Be creative with food coloring and colored paper and a dozen hard boiled eggs.

80) Go see 4th of July fireworks: Every town in America puts on a free fireworks display on July 4. Take advantage of it. Bring a basket of goodies and blanket. Sit down and be ready to join in the chorus of “oohs” and “aahs.” If you live in England, I am afraid you will have to wait for Guy Fawkes Day.

81) Go to a holiday parade: We have parades at Thanksgiving, the 4th of July, Veterans Day and many other days. A century ago, everyone turned out for them. Now we don’t seem to do so. Go to a parade and channel your 19th Century American.

82) Have a decadent desert on Valentine’s Day: On February 14, plan to make a decadent desert and then watch romantic movies. Decadent does not have to be expensive. A quart of ice cream, some chocolate sauce, hand whipped whipped cream and a few strawberries will go a long way.

83) Have a holiday barbecue or picnic: If it’s Memorial or Labor Day, plan to break out your grill or to pack a nice picnic lunch. Whether you do this at a beach, on your patio or on your fire escape, you can make this work.

84) Take a holiday craft class together: Michael’s and other craft stores often offer free or inexpensive craft classes. Whether you are making a Christmas ornament or a pen holder, you will be making something together.

85) Decorate a Christmas tree together: If you can decorate a tree together, you can probably spend a lifetime together.

86) Go Christmas shopping together: You both may need to do this and what better way to find out what your partner may like than to listen to his or her comments in the stores?

87) Take down a Christmas tree together: It is never fun to put away the decorations, but it has to happen. If you help your partner do this, they will know that you are there both for the fun times and the less fun times.

88) Go for a drive and look at the decorated houses at Christmas: I have been doing this since I was about 3 years old and my wife and I look forward to it every year.

89) Go for a drive and look at all of the decorated houses at Halloween: This is a more recent development. When did America start getting crazy to decorate for Halloween? I don’t know, but some of the displays are amazing.

90) Go Christmas Caroling: For this one, you can invite some of the children who live near you. Caroling with kids is more fun.

Game Dates

91) Play a game at home: Does your date like to play games? If so, a night of cribbage, backgammon, chess or checkers can be a fun way to spend the night. Add coffee or a good inexpensive bottle of wine, and you have a great way to relax and get to know each other.

92) Play a game at a coffee house: Games are portable so you can bring them with you. Go to Starbucks (see date 51 above) and bring your game so that you can truly lay claim to one of the few tables there. Just remember to bring a two person game. You do not want the guy or gal at the table next to you trying to join you.

93) Go to a bingo night at a church hall: Buy one bingo card and watch all of the bingo fanatics go wild, especially if you win.

94) Do the New York Times Crossword Puzzle together: A challenge when you do it alone. A great tag team activity when you do it together. If the Times puzzle is too difficult, any crossword puzzle will suffice. Just make sure you have the right snacks and beverages to go along with the puzzle.

95) Do a jigsaw puzzle together: As with crossword puzzles, make sure you have the right snacks and beverages to go along with the puzzle.

Random Dates

96) Take a road trip: If your date likes to drive, choose a destination that is about 2 hours away. Even if the destination is something as simple as a mile marker, having a goal is key to this working. Burn enough CDs to carry you to your destination and back. You can combine this date with many of the other dates that I list in this article. Gas does cost more now than it used to, but you can still go a long way on $10 worth of gas.

97) Take your date to visit one of his/her elderly relatives: If your partner has a 97 year old grandfather in a nursing home, offer to go visit. Your partner will appreciate it and it will score points with your partner’s entire family. You may even find that you enjoy it.

98) Give your date a manicure or shave: Guys find it sexy when a woman gives them a shave. Most women I know find it sexy when a man paints their fingernails. This does require some practice so make sure you know how to use a razor or a nail brush before you try this (especially the part with the razor!).

99) Give your date a massage: This is probably not a date that you can plan as a first date, but a real massage makes the recipient feel great. After you have been dating for a while, surprising your partner with a massage and a bit of pampering at the end of a hard week is a very inexpensive way to both make your partner feel special and to help your partner to appreciate you all the more.

100) Invite your date over for a movie and popcorn night: This is an especially useful date when are not sure whether or not you are actually dating. A date like this will quickly give you your answer.

101) Make a list of 101 cheap dates: My wife helped me to write this list tonight. We had a lot of fun remembering the dates that we have been on and anticipating the dates that we will go on in the future. It does not matter what you are doing. If you are with the right person, that person’s companionship alone should be more than enough to give you a great time.

The 10 Best Compliments a Man Can Give a Woman

1. The most complimented I’ve ever been is on my butt. One of my former co-workers recently MySpaced me to say, “J Lo’s got nothin’ on you.”

2. You smell great.

3. How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days is my favorite movie too!

4. I had been on a couple dates with this guy that I really liked. On our third date I agreed to drive and when he saw my car he said, “nice wheels.” I’m not sure why, but it made me feel like such a cool chick.

5. You know, you’re gorgeous.

6. Wow, that looks good on you.

7. As long as you’re there, I don’t care where we go.

8. On a first date we were playing the “what if” game. I asked, “If you could change one thing about your life what would it be?” He responded, “I wish I would’ve met you sooner.”

9. You make me a better person.

10. I know this great place… It’s in your arms. Can I go there soon?

BONUS

11. You have a lot of class.

12. You’re the hottest girl in the room.

13. I have a crush on this guy in my building. We ran into each other at the mailbox and he said, “Did you get your haircut?” I actually had gotten my haircut. It must be love.

14. You are the smartest girl I’ve ever dated.

15. You are the perfect kisser.

16. After being on vacation and not going to the gym for weeks my jeans were feeling tight. Silently feeling guilty while eating creme brulee, my boyfriend looked at me and said, “You are looking really good. I don’t think I’ve seen you any skinnier.”

17. My mom is going to love you.

18. You’re different than other girls.

19. I was playing softball with friends when this guy walked by and said, “Hey, you throw like a guy.” I turned around pretending to be offended. He got the message and said, “I mean, you throw good.”

20. I can tell you anything.

21. You’re my best friend.

5 Kick-Ass Reasons to Give a Genuine Compliment, and How to Do It

“A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.”
Victor Hugo

“Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable.”
Mark Twain

Compliments.

Some are sincere. Some are quite the opposite.

Some like to get them. Some feel a little uneasy and self-conscious about them.

And from time to time I think to myself that there is too few of them. They are underused and underrated and are often forgotten amongst gossip, negative self-talk and complaints about the boss, the job, the weather and milk prices.

Negative observations about reality are plentiful. Positive observations are much fewer.

So, here are 5 compelling reasons why it’s a good choice to use more genuine compliments in your day to day life. And a bit further down, three tips on how to give them.

1. You can make someone’s day. That’s a nice thing to do.
2. Increased positivity. Keeping your focus on the positive parts in people expands your own positivity. You’ll notice more positive things about yourself, your own life and other things in your surroundings. What you focus on in your everyday life you’ll see everywhere, not just in other people.
3. You get what you give. Don’t keep this in the forefront of your mind while giving a compliment. It may make the compliment seem insincere and like you are just out to get something from the other person. But still, people often have a strong feeling of wanting to give what they got. Perhaps not right away, but over time reciprocity and a positive relationship can build. And in general, what you give you tend to get back from the world around you.
4. Attractiveness. Positivity, appreciation and being able to genuinely express yourself are three attractive traits both in personal and professional relationships. People tend to want to hang around and work with people that have such traits.
5. It’s fun. When you give a genuine compliment you ignite a spark of happy feelings inside of yourself.

Now, here are three tips for sharpening your compliment giving skills.

The compliment has to be genuine.

Otherwise you are just trying to take something from the one you are complimenting. And that will not work so well. Your insincerity will often shine through.

A compliment delivered with positive words but with a body language and voice tonality – the two most important parts of interpersonal communication – that aren’t saying the same thing may often not go over so well. And the rule that you get what you give still applies.

What you feel when you deliver the compliment will come through. So make sure that there is a genuine feeling behind the words.

Cultivate a habit of appreciation.

This will let you discover all the genuinely nice things about people. With this filter closed it will be harder to see the positive things in people and to give compliments that are actually totally genuine. Try to appreciate the things around you – your home, friends, family, co-workers, computer, weather, food etc. – a few minutes a day to build this habit.

Compliment on something the other person feels is important to him/her.

It may be – at least in some cases – a good practise to not compliment on something that the other person doesn’t have much control over. Or something that he or she has been complimented on a thousand times before. Looks and other more superficial stuff are examples of such things.

A compliment that is kinda expected will not be that powerful. And even though your compliment is genuine it may just be lumped together with all those other similar and not so genuine compliments the person has recieved.

Instead, observe what makes this person tick. What are his/her passions, qualities, interests and proudest achievements? What can you genuinely appreciate about those things?

And finally, remember, pretty much no matter what the response is you can still feel good about giving a compliment. As Seneca says in tip # 5: how the other person responds – what s/he says or feels – isn’t your responsibility.

How To Give A Good Compliment

There’s nothing like a warm, sincere compliment to make your day. Instead of waiting for one, why not give one out? Take it from me, the more you give, the more you find you’ll receive.

1) Make your compliment specific.

“That necklace looks really good on you” makes a bigger impact compared to “you look really good today”. The more specific the better, it makes the person feel like you notice them.

2) Back up your compliment.

Don’t just stop at “that necklace looks really good on you”. Your compliment becomes stronger when you say why you think so; “that necklace looks really good on you because it matches your eyes”.

3) Ask a question with your compliment.

And if you want to use it as a conversational starter, ask a question about the subject of your compliment; “that necklace looks really good on you because it matches your eyes. Where did you find it?”.

Why Giving Compliments Raises Your Self-Esteem

It takes confidence and self-esteem to notice good things about others and to make the first caring move to tell them about it

When I first started giving compliments I was awkward and shy about it. I kept wondering if I’d offend them in some way or make people suspicious about what I wanted from them.

I’ve since discovered that a sincere compliment is always a welcome boost to someone’s day. There will be those that reject it or will even argue with you, but that’s usually their problem and not yours. A compliment is like a gift, if someone doesn’t want your gift you’ll still end up owning it. The best way to accept one is also like a gift, just say ‘thank you’.

You’ll also find when you start noticing good things about people, you’ll notice more good things about you too! And the more you do, the more your own self-esteem will grow.